Mask, or Who I Was at Sixteen

A poem I wrote at sixteen. More explorations of the Dark that held me for so long.

The little red lines
That cross my arms
And blemish my pale skin--
You do not see them,
You do not know
Anything of the pain I'm in.

I'm crying out,
A silent scream,
Tears in the dark,
It isn't a dream.

The blade that calls
You do not feel.
The wounds it causes
Help me to heal.

I'm crying out,
A silent scream,
Tears in the dark,
It isn't a dream.

I'm good at hiding
All I feel;
I'm good at pretending
It isn't real.
I'm good at thinking
It helps me to heal.

I'm crying out,
A silent scream,
Tears in the dark,
It isn't a dream.

You think I'm happy,
You think I deal.
You think you know me,
But it isn't real.

I'm crying out,
A silent scream,
Tears in the dark,
It isn't a dream.

I'm all I have,
You don't know me.
I bury everything,
All that defines me.

I'm crying out,
A silent scream,
Tears in the dark,
It isn't a dream.

You see a mask,
A part I play.
'Cause that's all I am--
A shell. A life at bay.

I'm crying out,
A silent scream,
Tears in the dark,
It isn't a dream.

You'd help me, I know,
If I'd open up,
You'd save me.
But I don't know how.
I've hid so long,
I can't confide.
I know your love
Deep inside.

I'm crying out,
A silent scream,
Tears in the dark,
It isn't a dream.

You're there every day,
You'd wipe tears away.
If only I'd show myself to you,
I know you'd be true.
But my fears keep me hidden,
I can't confess,
I need your help,
I need you to bless.

I'm crying out,
A silent scream,
Tears in the dark,
It isn't a dream.

I'll cope somehow,
I'll try my best,
But I'm afraid
You wouldn't like my ways.

I'm crying out,
A silent scream,
Tears in the dark,
It isn't a dream.

I'll hit and punch
And call me names
And in the dark I'll play my games.

I'm crying out,
A silent scream,
Tears in the dark,
It isn't a dream.

It won't be real,
I don't have to feel,
"Tomorrow I'll be fine."
I'll repeat that line
Again and again.
And you'll never know
There is no me.

I'm crying out,
A silent scream,
Tears in the dark,
It isn't a dream.

The hitting, the punching,
The calling of names,
All of these are part of my life.
This is the way I cope.
This is how I feel.
Self-esteem? I have none.
I'm not running on an even keel.

I'm crying out,
A silent scream,
Tears in the dark,
It isn't a dream.

I haven't broken,
I've never cut.
I haven't tried yet,
I don't need to feel.

I'm crying out,
A silent scream,
Tears in the dark,
It isn't a dream.

It isn't a dream.
All this is real.
I'm dead inside.
I cannot feel.

That's not quite true.
Depression,
Anger,
Hatred,
Sadness.
All I feel--that sums it up.

I'm crying out,
A silent scream,
Tears in the dark,
It isn't a dream.

I haven't cut,
Someday I will.
Someday I won't resist.
The blades are there.
They call to me.

I know now what it is.
Maybe if I see my blood,
A surge of relief,
A rush of pain,
At least I'll know
I can feel again.

I'm crying out,
A silent scream,
Tears in the dark,
This isn't a dream.

This isn't a dream.